APUPI - Idaho
"There were Watchtowers and Osmond CDs strewn around everywhere," recalled the shaken resident Marjorie Spade, whose yard was the setting for a lame, sissy fight. "I couldn't believe that in this day and age we still are fighting religious wars," she said in the aftermath of the flailing, ineffectual fracas.
Apparently the outbreak of faith-based nerd violence took place when two groups of youths approached each other while out in their respective ministries. "We saw these young ones riding toward us on bikes with neck ties and book bags," recalled the pimply Jerome Triesnottowackoff. "We knew right away they were Morm-ons" he continued, emphasizing the final "o" in Mormon with the short vowel pronunciation. "We know we have the truth, so there was no way we were going to step aside, they were the ones who were going to have to move out of the way," his voice cracking in pubescent fury.
"They started saying all sorts of stuff about Joseph Smith being a nut, and that Brigham Young wasn't his name but how he instructed his followers to bring him prospective wives," recalled Jebediah Hosannah, one of the shaken Mormon combatants. "We started saying how the Osmonds were way better than the Jackson 5," he continued. That is when the exchange boiled over over into an an awkward attempt at exchanging of blows, according to witnesses.
Nobody was sure who tried to throw the first sissy slap, but "Back packs and cheap faux leather bags were just flying everywhere," explained Jerry Jasper, a local eyewitness of the harrowing scene.
According to witnesses, that is when the things turned grisly. After no blows were landed, one of the youthful holy warriors ran awkwardly into a mail box as he retreated in terror. His necktie snagged, throwing him violently to the ground where he received a slight abrasion that almost broke the skin.
"I think we really represented Jehovah," said youthful fighter Harold AfraidImgay. "Those guys will know to stay off our turf." Mormon gladiator, Ezekiel Israel, was just as defiant, "Those guys know they better watch it if we see them again."
"It seems this troubled area will have no hope for peace. An outbreak of bloodless, dorky attempts at violence can happen anytime," said Marjorie Spade in reference to the uncoordinated, geeky girlyfight. She sadly concluded, "We may never see peace in our time."