GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?

___ Newspaper

___ Bible

___ Torah

___ Book of Mormon

___ Koran

___ Divine inspiration

___ Dead Sea Scrolls

___ My mama done tol' me

___ Near-death experience

___ Near-life experience

___ National Public Radio

___ Tabloid

___ Burning shrubbery

___ Other (specify): _____________

 

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?

___ Yahweh

___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]

___ Jehovah

___ Jesus

___ Krishna

___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]

___ Allah

___ Satan

___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)

___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)

___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

 

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

___ Yes

___ No

 

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:

___ Not eternal

___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

___ Not omniscient

___ Not omnipotent

___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)

___ Permits sex outside of marriage

___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms, Pauly Shore)

___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

___ Requires burnt offerings

___ Requires virgin sacrifices

___ Plays dice with the universe

 

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents

___ Needed a reason to live

___ Indoctrinated by society

___ Needed focus in whom to despise

___ Imaginary friend grew up

___ Graduated from the tooth fairy

___ Hate to think for myself

___ Wanted to meet girls/boys

___ Fear of death

___ Wanted to piss off parents

___ Needed a day away from work

___ Desperate need for certainty

___ Like organ music

___ Need to feel morally superior

___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

 

5. Have you ever worshiped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

___ Mick Jagger

___ Rajanish

___ Baal

___ The almighty dollar

___ Bill Gates

___ Left-wing liberalism

___ The radical right

___ Ra

___ Beelzebub

___ Barney T.B.P.D.

___ The Great Spirit

___ The Great Pumpkin

___ The sun

___ Elvis

___ Cindy Crawford

___ The moon

___ TV news

___ Burning shrubbery

___ Other: ________________

 

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot

__ Lottery

__ Astrology

__ Television

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Palmistry

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Self-help books

__ Sex, drugs, rock and roll

__ Biorhythms

__ Alcohol

__ Bill Clinton

__ Tea leaves

__ EST

__ CompuServe

__ Mantras

__ Jimmy Swaggart

__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)

__ Human sacrifice

__ Pyramids

__ Wandering in a desert

__ Burning shrubbery

__ Barney T.B.P.D.

__ Barney Fife

Other:___________

 

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More divine intervention

b. Less divine intervention

c. Current level of divine intervention is just right

d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?

 

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following

(1=unsatisfactory,

5=excellent):

Disasters:

flood 1 2 3 4 5

famine 1 2 3 4 5

earthquake 1 2 3 4 5

war 1 2 3 4 5

pestilence 1 2 3 4 5

plague 1 2 3 4 5

spam 1 2 3 4 5

AOL 1 2 3 4 5

MicroSoft 1 2 3 4 5

Miracles:

rescues 1 2 3 4 5

spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5

stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5

crying statues 1 2 3 4 5

water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5

walking on water 1 2 3 4 5

VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5

Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5

getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

the iMac 1 2 3 4 5

 

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of beings entered).


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