Armageddon Okies part IV

by Gary Busselman

 

#20 Letter from Home:

Weasels and Girl Boats

Dear Randy,

I've been meaning to write sooner but we's been busy with the new batch of chicks and getin' the brooder house fox and weasel proof. We have saved all the tin cans all winter and now we are taking the bottoms out of em and cutting em open for patches on the brooder house holes. The bigger ones we are patching with old license plates but that's been slow going since we only buy one set a year and move them to whichever car is running at the present time. It's getting so cold up here at night that we're having a hard time keeping those chicks warm enough. We should have waited a couple more weeks to get them but other years when there's no morning ice on the water bucket on the back porch wash table we been able to get along fine.

We got a new light flash at the hall an Bubba got to read it. Its called disfellowship and we can use it on anybody in the truth except the circuit servant. Bubba says there's two things that are automatic, drinkin' blood and sex. This is the first we heard that they's two separate issues. Lambert thought since they said "fellow"-ship, that they meant guys only cause he says "fellow" means guys not girls. Newley says "fellow" - "ship" sounds like a boat for boys. He says a "dis" is an opposite, so a dis-fellow-ship is a opposite boys boat or "girl boat". Bubba has a problem with using "girl boat" as a synonym for disfellowship but we all think the way Newley explained it is probably right.

We had a terrible wind storm here last week and the roof blew off the Dandy twin's barn over on the ridge side of where the High Creek dam used to be. Most of it landed in our South pasture an we saw that as a sign that we need to do more witnessing so Maw an Sis is painting more "rackets" posters for service Sunday since now we got some plywood. We still get in the most hours of any congregation in the circuit according to brother Jup Setter, the circuit servant. I think it has to do with our attitude. Maw puts a back issue of the Watchdog magazine in the mailbox for the mailman every day and then walks along the road till she finds where he tossed it out. Sometimes she gets in three or four hours a day that way.

Well, I've got to go. I hear the dogs barkin' an that means Bubba is home from his magazine route an needs help going through the contributions. Write when you can.

Clem

PS: LeRoy got a new hound dog. His name is Hi Times.

 

#21 Letter from Home:

Hi Times and the Brooder House Fox

Dear Randy,

Well you was right. That ol' fox is back as soon as we got them new chicks. He dug under the fill dirt corner again and got six chicks Sunday night. We set up all night Monday an Tuesday an not a thing, but it all come to a head on Wednesday night. We had all been to town in Bubba's Lincoln doing back-calls on the not at homes from the special talk campaign, you know the one where we was tellin' all of them church people that they ain't Christian cause they ain't feelin' guilty about their sins like us, an they's too busy enjoyin' life to notice how bad things is. The Judge was right about those churches. You can tell they are evil the way they laugh and smile so much. Bubba says to pretend to not notice when they wave. It's times like this when it's easy to see why he's an elder. Anyways, Maw was drawin' a bead on that fox about midnight when that new dog, Hi Times starts humpin' her leg. She lets out with a holler and lets both barrels fly. I don't know how many times we warned her about that sawed off shotgun and them hot loads but she went over backwards and rolled all the way down to the creek. She got two black eyes and lost another front tooth. She says Bubba needed a new windshield in the Dodge anyway.

We are having Half Way Hallie over for supper tonight. You remember her. She's on Bubba's magazine route over by Eureka. Bubba kind of likes her but since she ain't in the truth he don't feel right about askin' her out so he wants to show her how happy we all are with the truth. The Judge says it's wrong to get married in the old world but we noticed that he's married. Bubba says these things are only suggestions. He says truth people can go with someone if they are studying the Judge's books. He says that makes them sheep and marriage and sex with sheep is okay. We never looked at it quite that way before.

It was Granny's birthday last week Tuesday but since we don't celebrate birthdays we had the party on Wednesday. We all bought her presents and made sure she knew that they wasn't birthday presents. Bubba said to just call it Granny appreciation day and it would be okay with the truth. We know we have the truth since we are willing to give up all these worldly celebrations. We know true brotherly love is to ignore people on their real birthday an stuff. The truth says birthdays are pagan but anniversaries are okay with them. We all seen the logic in that okay.

Well, write when you can. Love from all.

Clem

PS: LeRoy wants to know if he can bring Hi Times with him when he comes to visit you this summer.

 

#22 Letter from Home

Suzy Que and the Flyin' O

Dear Randy,

This here letter is late 'cause I was laid up in bed with the gout in my big toe. Last week I went over to a sale by Berryville and came home with a 1956 Oldsmobile Holiday coupe, blue bottom with white on top. Named it the "Flyin' O". Bubba's out there right now cutting the mufflers off it and welding on some of that nice well pipe. That baby's got more punch that two Lincolns. It's got power windows and power steering and power brakes and it was owned by a banker up there that ate too much tatters an gravy an billowed right up to 350 pounds and went an had a heart attack on a Wednesday right when he was leavin' for work. He's leaning on the car, havin' a heart attack, hollering at his wife Suzy Que, and she panics and takes twenty minutes to find the car keys so she can drive him in to the doctor. We all think that she was in the house calling the insurance guy and adding another couple hundred thousand. Anyway the ol boy don't make it an I got his car. It still has the instructions under the hood on how to change the tires and the battery never ever had the purchase date holes punched out so that'll come in handy later on.

Did you hear about that sister Stout? When she sings at the Hall she pops her "Ps" on purpose so she spits on Lambert's bald spot. She always tries to sneak off a boofer when we stand to sing. Ugh! She even had the nerve to tell sister Neew her skirts are too short when the elders have investigated that issue over and over again and they are all satisfied. Sis has her sights on that brother Rusty Fenders since he got all those polyester leisure suits at the assembly. She says that she will only go out with theocratic boys and he's the most theocratic because he drives a four door car and wears a suit and tie to the meetings, plus his Watchdog magazine is always underlined before the meeting gets started. That's always a positive sign for good spirituality in a brother. That and his Bible is really fluffed up like he uses it a lot.

Bubba's gonna wear shorts around here this summer. He got a test pair over at the Walk an Park in Rogers. It was a little comical when he tried them on the first time. He pulled them way up under his arm pits almost but then they was a little short on the bottom if you know what I mean. Granny just looked at him with her mouth open. Weather's been good here. Crops are all in an doing good. We had a twister come through the other night and tore up a couple trees over by the machine shed that used to be a school house but nothing was wrecked except the trees. The manure spreader is missing though.

Well, I gotta go. This is a meeting night and I don't have time for a bath again. Write when you can.

Clem

PS: We got LeRoy a camera and He's been taking pictures. He sent you some yesterday by mail.

 

#23 Letter from Home:

Leroy's Great Dream

Dear Randy,

LeRoy had a dream and he wonders what it means. He asked me to tell it to you and see if you knew. He's falling, falling, and when he wakes up he's in a seat in a Kingdom Hall somewhere, but he doesn't know where. The brothers are all wearing double breasted IBM business suits and the sisters are all wearing nylons and skirts that just touch the floor when they kneel. The babies are all awake listening to the speaker whose talk is closely following the societies outline. The boy children are all wearing small business suits and polished shoes with matching socks. Their fingernails are clean.

The girl children all are wearing white dresses and keep their eyes down. When a question is asked at the Watchtower study every single person in the Hall raises their hand, even the babies. Everyone who is called on to answer, paraphrases the answer in their own words with the idea directly from the Watchtower paragraph. During the entire meeting, which lasted three hours, no one got up to go to the restroom or get a drink. After the meeting everyone there lined up at the literature counter and picked up their magazine orders of thirty-six copies of each issue and then lined up at the contribution boxes to contribute two dollars per copy as an unrelated donation to the preaching work. After the donations were made everybody was smiling and talking to each other. No one has ever been disfellowshipped from this congregation because everybody simply accepts what is taught from the platform and in the literature. No one ever questions the Society or the elders.

When they left the Hall, everybody was driving clean new Buick four door sedans with Watchtowers taped to the lower left side of the back windows. They all live in ranch style government tract houses, get food stamps, have part time cleaning or painting businesses and pioneer full time. No one goes to college. The children are all home schooled or attend a public school where the teachers are all in the truth. The children don't talk to anyone not in the truth and don't take part in any after school sports. The mothers don't read romance novels or gossip.

Every day every family considers the day's text and reads the Watchtower comments about it. No one has any pets in the house or cooks with aluminum pans. No one has television and those with home computers do not access the Internet and only use the Watchtower CD for preparing talks. At bed time the children all go to their clean self made beds and sleep all night. The parents sleep together and pray before they have missionary sex and then they pray again after they have missionary sex. All fathers are elders.

We all think the doctors should change LeRoy's medicine. What do you think?

Clem

PS: After this dream LeRoy just sits in his chair and rocks and blows spit bubbles.

 

#24 Letter from Home

The Patch and the Birdbath Baptism

Dear Randy,

We wanted to let you know that LeRoy had a little setback over in the home. He got so excited about being in the truth that he was placin' books in the locker room and he even tried to baptize a nurse in the bird bath last Wednesday. He snuck over to the big Church up on the hill and he was yelling truth stuff at them last Sunday as they was leavin. Anyways the doctors all agree that he should go on the patch to wean him off a little bit at a time so they made one up with the dog-eared corners of thirty-two Watchdog magazine pages cooked in a pint of tobasco with a shot of the Judges Toronto whiskey and the ash from his cigar, all strained through a nickel magazine bag and pasted on one of then big bandages from over at the Econo Mart.

They put the patch on him three days ago now and he still is restless so the Doc. Went out and tape recorded forty doors being slammed last Sunday morning and they been playing that to him and that seems to be settling him down a bit. That and every hour a nurse has to go in and tell him she's "not interested" and slam the door to his room. He seems to be feeling a little bit more at home now.

He was even standing in the lobby with a stack of paper towels and trying to "place" em at a nickel a copy. Three people actually did take em.

The dad gum ridin lawnmower busted again. Bubba has been workin on it in the little garage by shop light at night. Sis says he's taken up swearin again. Seems that there's two long belts of different size an a bunch of pulleys an that belt got to go around them pulleys just so or it won't cut at all. Granny says to just let the sheep back in an forget about the stupid mower.

I gotta go now an get cleaned up for service. The horn busted on Newley's truck an he thinks he has located one over in the junk yard by Brashears. We just call on two or three houses here then we offer the Society's book that best reflects our views, Enemies, to the guy in the junk yard over in Brashears and then make a late call on the way home from the book study tonight an presto we got sixteen hours to turn in on our field service card.

Bye now.

Clem

PS: LeRoy wants to know if you would send him a dictionary. He wants to look up those names you called him last time you were here.

 

#25 Letter From Home

Chuck 'n Farley n' Elderberry Wine

Dear Randy,

We are rushing around here trying to get ready to leave for the District assembly up in Crofton and with the extra magazine campaign and the special book offer this month we been up early an' to bed late. We been placin' "The Truth Shall Make You Free" and three booklets, "Prohibition:, "Religion Reaps The Whirlwind" and "The Last Days" for six bits. Maw has taken to givin' em the books for a bottle of beer or a big dipper full of corn squeezins. Course, she has to drink the dipper of hooch right on the porches of them side hillers and yesterday she got so sleepy that she took a little nap in the Olds, slid right off the seat on the floor of the car. We left her there caus it was easier for us to get in and out of the car with her that way.

Your three cousins, Chuck 'n Farley an' Carrie Hunt, are here from Conway to ride up there with us. There was a big commotion about who was gonna drive. I guess they fought all the way here. Were gonna put Chuck in the truck, Farley on the Harley and Carrie in the trailer with Granny and the elderberry wine.

We got a new radio last week at the Gambles store crazy days. We all like country music the best. Our favorite is Hank Williams' "My Son Calls Another Man Daddy" and "Lone Gone Lonesome Blues". The fill in circuit servant Rusty Fenders likes Kitty Wells' song "It Wasn't God Who Made Honkey-Tonk Angels". We hate Sunday on the radio. Just preachers and Jesus music. We're glad we got the truth cause we hate that kind of music. Bubba says he can't see how people can drink and listen to it at the same time. He says Hank Williams an Hank Snow an Carl Smith are the best. He likes Ernest Tubb too. He can even sing like him after about a quart of maw's elderberry wine.

Maw made a big batch of baked beans with extra onions for supper last night when she heard that Chuck 'n Farley an' Carrie Hunt was comin'. Whew! Me an Bubba slept on the porch from about midnight on. We are sure glad maw didn't make that batch of beans in the winter.

Well, I gotta be goin' now . We've been waitin' fer the mailman to go cause if the Watchdog magazine comes we won't have to go to the pool hall to find out what the Catholics are doing. The Judge just prints it all up for us to sit right at home an read in the comfort of our own back porch. Write when you get time.

Clem,

PS: LeRoy is making a new pillow and he's wondering when you are gonna get a haircut.

 

#26 Letter From Home

Leroy Is Anointed

Dear Randy,

We have had quite the week here. The circuit servant, Jup Setter and his wife Missey, was here and during his Saturday program, New Things Returned, he talked a lot about the Memorial an seein' as how more publishers mean the end is closer and all, we were all real excited to hear the good news about all the anointed dying cause that means the end is closer too and we won't have to get the washing machine fixed or overhaul the John Deere. Anyways when he is talkin, well, LeRoy he goes in the broom closet in the Kingdom Hall and he finds the Memorial crackers what was left over and he sets about eatin' em. He would have finished off the wine too but me and brother Newley Ben Haad polished it off on the way home right after the meeting was over. Anyhow we all figure that if LeRoy can eat the crackers and likes em, then he must be an anointed. That would explain some of his behavior and why he seems to see things that the rest of us don't see and he hears people talking who we don't hear or see.

Almos Oover and his buck tooth kid Homer says that they think LeRoy is an anointed because he acts just like Almos' mother who was an anointed since she walked naked around the lake and read the foot-notes in the Truth Bible and understood them and that was right before she started repeating everything everybody said and the hard of hearing people liked it cause it saved them the trouble of asking everybody to repeat what they said.

Now LeRoy sits in the front row and takes notes that he says are secret and he will only talk to circuit servants and the company servant after the meetings and he pretends to be hearing spirits in the car on the way home so now we can't listen to The Lone Ranger on the radio anymore. Bubba doesn't like it. He used to yell "Hi Yoooo Silverrrr" with the Lone Ranger and slap his leg an pretend he's riding a horse.

Maw is doing good. There was a big sale at the Econo Mart and she bought eighty gallons of Clorox bleach fer a buck a gallon and she started to use that instead of soap on the laundry. Well, after the second week when we put our shorts on we put our fingers right through em and we pulled them apart and all that was left was the seamed part and the waist band. Made for extra leg crossing and the steps were kinda weird feelin'. Write when you can.

Clem

PS; LeRoy wants to know if there are any anointed out there so he will have someone to talk to when he comes out to see you next month.


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