Armageddon Okies part V

by Gary Busselman

 

Letter to Governing Body re: "Leroy"

Dear Director of Witnesses,

Since many of your members are milk drinkers we thought you would want to be aware of the orgin of the name LeRoy. LeRoy is a name mentioned often in the bedside book Manners and Customs of the American Okie. There are several events that point to the name as an impotent sign, especially those in the area and extending 30 miles North by North-West from Lakeland, Florida.

Certain puss-gut truck drivers on layover have reported several succulent events and we need to share them with you. Most of us have been pointed out in a crowd and are aware of UFOs and events as they unfold. The main importance of the name LeRoy is in the thought one has when speaking the name, coupled with the ability to say the name and at the same time not breaking the spit bubble that forms during the thought.

Another point we want to make is the fact that a lot of the needles are missing from the lower branches of the spruce trees located on the direct route extending from the Beth Sarim house where the last official Tower beer party was held to a certain front porch in Manhattan Beach, CA.

Anyway, LeRoy is a name bringing hope to many and means Roy has come. In the original languages the name was pronounced LRY which also could mean beer gut. The translators worked in quite rooms with low ceilings and sleeping dogs nearby to produce the standard work on the subject with a green cover.

Clem

 

"New Things Returned"

Me an' Bubba had a near miss with the widow Tat and her too-tall testy daughter Kitty back in April; just when the honeysuckle and the red buds was bloomin' an the circuit servant's wife Missey Setter was just getting back in service after the center coil spring in the rubble seat in the Ford A busted and she got a bad buttock cramp and me and Bubba had to take turns trying to rub it out on the way back down the mountain when over by Sucker's spring we see Kitty Tat walking doing "not at shacks" and we stop to give her a ride back to the Hall. Anyway it must have looked like we was doing something that we wasn't cause she asked us if she could have a turn and by gosh if Bubba didn't give her one and was only half done when we got to the Hall and the widow comes out all hoppin' mad and says that Bubbas gotta marry her daughter cause of that muscle massage and we was out in service placing truth books and flashing light and all the while thinking about the Saturday night meeting, "New Things Returned."

Clem 

 

#27 Letter From Home

Why 1914? and the prune week

Dear Randy,

This has been a goofy week here. We had a congregation Hall cleaning day and when we was done there wasn't any paint left on the South and West sides of the Hall or under the back window on the path to the men's outhouse. We know the apostates was here again because we found a pair of women's panties under the back porch and some very reliable evidence of someone taking a firm stand on the porneia issue. Brother Noze said we should take that back porch and back door off the Hall anyway, especially after the Society has brought out that they are against rear entry.

That bubble butt sister Stout was the cause of some heated debate among the brothers after the back yard rock picking was done. Every time she bent over to pick up a rock her dress would hike way up and her underpants would show. That was bad enough except some apostate had written "Why 1914?" with a laundry marker on them and when she bent over there it was, "spiritual pornography" of the worst kind. Bubba and brother Newly Been Haad said they been going over old Watch Towers and the "Flock" book to find out how an elder tells a woman she has apostate slogans on her butt without telling her they been looking at her when she bends over and besides she brings the best blue bean casserole to the potluck suppers the week the circuit servant is here. Sister Billows says we should overlook it since sister Stout is the best piano player we have and the backup piano player has been observed picking his nose in service and forgetting to zip his fly on several occasions by certain sisters who have a reputation for paying attention when such things come up.

Maw has been sort of down in the dumps ever since seven of her fruit jars didn't seal at prune canning time and we all ate prunes three meals a day for a week. She says she never knew we had that much laundry. She had Bubba put up extra clothes lines over by the small garage and she had them all full too. No one dared cross their legs or laugh since Tuesday.

We are saving up to come out to see your new place. We signed the HUD form for the assisted housing application and we know that with the government paying most of your rent that you should be able to go back to full time pioneering. We are all sure these are the last days because the governments are so cheap and won't pay all your rent. This persecution is sure getting bad.

Well, I gotta go now. The Ford is running again and I'm gonna take it up to Rogers to pick up the food stamps. They sort of made a fuss when we picked them up with the Lincoln last month. Those worldly people don't understand how important a dependable four door car is to Christians. Write when you get a chance.

Clem

PS: LeRoy wants to know if he can borrow your Batman cape and mask for school show and tell.

 

#28 Letter From Home

Tape Worms and the Pop-Corn Diet

Dear Randy,

We had a terrible commotion over here the other night. Granny was reading in the Golden Age about parasites what can git in humans internal organs and she settled on tape worms as her least favorite. We even looked them up in the medical book Maw keeps on the lid of the elderberry wine crock and are they ever evil lookin' varmints. Anyway, we all decided to send Bubba and Lambert to Brashers to git some of that worm remover medicine the Society was telling about. They come home with it but seems they neglected to tell us that they got the stuff at the vet supply place over by the Dusty Dawn Saloon rather than the drug store where we told em to go. Granny was the first to experience the consequences of their decision. She was sittin' in the rocker with the seat-belt when her head gave a sudden snap to the left then another sudden snap to the right and she starts hoppin' the chair over to the back door. We all suspected something was wrong when she went right out the door, still in the chair. When we caught her she was out of the chair and scooting along the ground in circles around the outhouse. The instructions on the bottle said to examine your stools and I was on the way to the minkin' parlor to check mine when I heard a terrible fight break out on the path to the outhouse and it was Maw an' Sis an' Granny all against Bubba. They found out he had all the yellow pages tore out of the Sears and Roebuck catalog and wadded up in his back pocket of his overhauls. I think we can't stand much more of this "new light" from the Society.

We read in the Consolation magazine that pop-corn is good for you, so we bought a peck last week and have been eating it three meals a day now that we are all cleaned out from the worm medicine. That part time circuit servant Rusty Fenders was here to pick up our time for the month and he even remarked about how well we all looked. Granny just hissed like a cat at him. He had another date with Sis last month. That's two since corn planting. Maw thinks it must be serious what with all that dating and such carryings on. Maw wants me to go over the sex thing with Sis again this year but I think it'd be a waste of time. We decided to just encourage her to pioneer. That seems to quiet her right down.

We have a new family moving here from California to serve where the great is needed. They are going to start a restaurant in town in the same spot where nobody has ever been able to make a go of it yet. The brothers all kicked in some cash to git it goin' and we took a second mortgage on the house to guarantee the loan. They will live in the Dobber's old house while we build a porch and indoor plumbing in the Hooper place where they will be living. This is a sure sign we have the truth when stuff like this happens, don't ya think?

I gotta go now and take Maw to town to the doctor. She has had these fainting spells since the tape-worm medicine incident. Write when you can.

Clem

PS: LeRoy has taken to stuffing a rolled up sock in his pants like you do.

 

#29 Letter From Home

Pay Attention and Sister Baad

Dear Randy,

All the elders are getting a new book called Pay Attention To Yourselves And To All The Flock and they are all very excited about it because it is something they have that we don't. I looked it over yesterday and I even told Bubba that I think we ought to study that book at the Tuesday night book study at Brother Newly Ben Haad's trailer instead of the Let God Be True book since with the Attention book it tells exactly what we need to avoid to not git disfellowshipped like that sister Baad and her bald-headed husband Iban. Why it even talks about how a little sex is okay and that a little blood is not. There was actually more allowed than we thought. We have all been wondering why this book is secret and we have decided that the elders have to have something in return for giving up every evening in the week along with Saturday morning and all day Sunday and it's no wonder all their lawns look so bad. I even asked Bubba about that very thing and how is it that we are gonna be the ones to make the world into a paradise and our own places now look the worst in the county. He said it is part of the persecution and we just have to accept it and besides in the new world we can take our pick of any place to live we want cause all the rich people will be dead and then weeds won't be a problem and we will all have our own apple tree and our own lion. I sure hope that lion likes apples.

Maw and me have been having a hard time with all the reading the Society wants us to do and we are thinking maybe we have a reading disorder or maybe we are retarded a little because everybody else we asked about it said it was no problem for them at all. We are going to sign up for a speed reading class over in Rogers on Friday nights. It lasts for four weeks and we hope we can keep up after that.

We hope you are doing good. The black flies are getting bad here and it must be time for a frost. It will come just in time cause I don't wanna fix the screen door again this year and the stupid cat just runs right through it anyway. We are putting new plastic on the windows and we have let the cows eat the hay bales from around the house that we put there last fall, so that saved moving them again. This year we are gonna try some of them swamp hay bales around the house. They must weigh a hundred pounds apiece. Write when you can.

Clem

PS: LeRoy wants to know if apostates wear clothes.

 

#30 Letter From Home

The Pumpkin Caper and the Pagan Mouse

Dear Randy,

We were watching a heavy-weight pumpkin wrestling contest in the sandy valley region of the river bottom yesterday, between a 350 pound Iowa woman with low blood sugar and a 250 pound pumpkin. She had the pumpkin almost in the back of the pickup when a Jehovah's Witness lady wearing a fur hat and a gray trenchcoat that once belonged to Jimmy Hoffa, doing not at homes, offered her the Watchtower and Awake! magazines using the new "donation" arrangement, and as the Witness lady was explaining the "donation arrangement" the pumpkin lady got to laughing so hard she dropped the pumpkin and busted it and the last we seen of em, the pumpkin lady was chasing the Jehovah's Witness around and around the Kingdom Hall trying to get a Watchtower subscription so she could be sure the Witnesses would leave her alone in the future.

The local Kingdom Hall moved their attorney in right behind the Hall in a 5th wheel camper that had been in the Slimy River flood since he was the only one who didn't mind the smell. Kingdom Halls have so many legal issues coming up that the Watchtower is replacing Circuit Servants with traveling Watchtower attorneys. The elders say they like the new arrangement since
A. The attorneys are not near as fussy where they stay,
B. The attorneys can be fed much cheaper with mostly road kill,
C. Time is saved since the attorneys never get a going away pot luck supper,

We had the first meeting with the "traveling attorney" last night. The meeting is now called "New Things Proven Beyond A Reasonable Doubt." His name is Brother Slime. We have begun to affectionately call him "BS" for short. He pointed out how we must all change the mouse pointers on our personal computers since the origin of the pointer on the computer mouse was discovered by the Governing Body to have originated with the pointer on the OUIJA BOARD. He said the principle is the same, too. Now the elders have to make shepherding calls on us all to check to see if we have pagan pointers on our mouses, or if we have replaced them with the Society approved hand with an extended middle finger that they scanned in from a photo taken of Brother Rutherford standing outside the local Catholic church. Write when you get time!

Clem

PS: LeRoy thinks you are avoiding him. Could you send him your latest new phone number?

 

#31 Letter From Home

The Pagan Icon

Dear Randy,

Well we got that new computer we was talkin' about for about the last ten years or so. It is exactly the one we wanted too. They finally went on sale over an the "Hardly Ben Tried" used furniture store. We got it for ten dollars and a steel bed frame without a mattress. That's the one we only let the circuit servant, Iva Rammer, and his too tall wife Hadda, sleep in once. You remember, the night we all stayed up and watched the station pattern on TV. Anyway we no sooner got the computer hooked up and turned it on than we got this surprise visit from the company servant, brother Richard Noze, and his hired man Mutt Mc Suttop, who is his uncle's first cousin by his second marriage to his first cousin and who is the newest elder. Mutt says that they have heard rumors that we are engaged in idol worship and some of the brothers are saying that we are stumbling them because of our disregard for the counsel from the brothers and for our seeming inability to follow the guidelines and suggestions outlined by the Society. Maw is just standing there with her mouth open.

We told them that we always made our kids sit during flag salute and national anthem singing in school and if we see a flag we do just the opposite of all the worldly people, and if they stand, we sit, and if they sit we stand, and we got rid of all the Cracker Jacks toys in your old room. They said they were talking about the computer and the problem was the little "icons" on the screen that we use to change games. They said that the word "Icon", means "idol", and it is a sin to have an "idol" or "icon" in the house and to do the same thing worldly people do in front of one. They said that worship can be a ritual and we all agreed that when we saw the "idol" or "icon", we did observe a ritual, namely to click on it. We have been clicking on an idol. We did agree to get rid of the computer and we told them we were sure thankful that they came over and counseled us or we would never have known we were doing anything the Society didn't agree with. It all seemed innocent enough to us. This is sure one of the benefits from us having the truth, I mean to have someone willing to stop shoveling out the horse barn and come over here and save us from doing something against the truth.

I have to go now. We are gonna take the computer back and see if the guy will trade us back for the bed. We hope to see you Saturday after Thanksgiving when we are all getting together for a big family turkey dinner with all the trimmings. Bubba says that by having the dinner on Saturday instead of Thursday, that the truth says we are not like the worldly people who make a fuss out of holidays and then don't even take the Watchdog magazine or nothing.

Clem

PS LeRoy wants you to pick up a set of those nice wooden skies for him and bring them with you Saturday.

 

#32 Letter From Home

Indoor Outhouses and Vindication

Dear Randy,

We just got back from service with sister Bump and brother Small. We went over by Cassville. It's always is hard to witness to them flatlanders with them indoor toilets. I never could trust anyone who would do his business right there in the house like that. Plus it makes it harder on the sisters, what with being gone for the whole day and all. In the rurals, we just use the outhouses at the not-at-homes, but up there on the flatland and them indoor outhouses, the sisters had to knock on the doors and ask to use the bathroom and then after they was finished they could offer the magazines. They tried it the other way around a few times but that didn't work at all! We was all glad to git back into the hills. The other thing about flatland that is dangerous is that when we's driving we can see critters on the road too far ahead and we can't make a decision which way to go around them. In the hills we just put the gas rod down, crest a hill and "wham", there's absolutely no thinking involved at all.

Maw got into a big argument with a Baptist lady. She's still a little upset about it. The old bag asked Maw what we was doing there and Maw says that we was there to vindicate God's name. The Baptist lady says that there was no need to vindicate Gods name and that we should instead exalt it. Maw was so mad that she stepped right off the porch into a rose bush. We spent the next hour and a half picking rose thrones from her leg. Then we stopped for coffee at the Donut Pit and did we ever have a time. Sister Bump got so big and fat last winter with her glandular problem that she had to take to walking with a cane. Well she slides into the booth okay, but when we was ready to go she had stiffened up and she could hardly git up. Finally, she slid across the seat laying down and then we pulled her back to sitting. Except she forgot her cane clear over by the window and when she reached for it her feet came off the floor and there she lay on the bench on her belly. It was quite a site.

I have to go and pick up Bubba from work. His truck is broke down again and we are thinking that Armageddon will have to come soon or we will have to buy some new parts. Write when you can.

Clem

PS: We got the box of fruit you sent last summer that the mail lost. LeRoy ate it all and he and Granny are fighting over the box.

 

#33 Letter From Home

New Publication List

Dear Randy,

LeRoy has a bad cold and he is sleep-walking and sleep-talking again. Only this time . . . backwards! He says that he thinks the Society is coming out with some new publications and one is, "Make Darn Sure This Time". It will replace "Reasoning From The Scriptures", which replaced "Make Sure Of All Things Hold Fast To What Is Fine", that replaced "Make Sure Of All Things". Also they are coming out with a "Reverse Bible Dictionary" that explains in detail what all the words don't mean; a "Reverse Index" that tells where everything used to be; a "Hindsight On The Scriptures", that explains in detail everything we don't believe; an "Alert!" magazine that tells how world events relate to nothing in particular; and "The Hottower" that uses four color pictures to show the furnaces where the old publications are burned.

LeRoy also says there could possibly be these new books: "Gods Work" to replace "God's Word"; includes a book-bag and vial of dog-bite salve; "Aid To Bethel Understanding", includes a copy of "The Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous; "Your Family - How To Find It", includes a list of disfellowshipped Witness' current addresses; "Choosing The Best Way To Work", includes an application to printers school night class; "Aid To Bible Understating", includes a speed reading corespondent course; "Assembly Manners", includes detailed instructions on how to lay out 52 songbooks on 65 seats in an inconspicuous manner and a whispering course; "Procrastinators Of God's Kingdom", includes a crossword puzzle and a doodle pad; "Wild Guesses That Lead To Eternal Life" will replace "Knowledge That Leads To Everlasting Life" that replaced, "The Truth That Leads To Eternal Life"; "Organization For Recruiting And Fundraising" will feature updated guidelines for using the new "modified donation" arrangement and a list of The Society's attorneys phone numbers (a donation of $8.00 US is strongly encouraged); and the feature new publication . . . a special boxed edition of "The Generation Of 1914", includes a box of Depends and an adult bib.

Well we have to go to the meeting tonight so I am going to see if the Ford will start. I built a fire under it with a lard can full of fuel oil and cobs when I came in. Write soon.

Clem

PS: We have been walking LeRoy and he thinks he is well enough to still come to see you Saturday. Could you pick up a couple cases of fizz pop? His stomach is still upset and he is getting surprise vomit burps.

 

#34 Letter From Home

Gypsy Fires and Trustin Friends

 Dear Randy,

 This has been a slow week around here. The pump only froze up three times and the plastic storm door you made for the back porch blew off and was spotted by twenty-two Gypsies camped over at Potter's holler. They seen it flying over and thought it was a UFO. They've been there for three weeks now and we are right glad too! They come around and pick up all the cast iron pots and pans and for fifty cents apiece they will clean them. They really do a good job too. They build a big fire outa mostly oak and hickory and then they throw all them post and pans in the fire and leave them in there for a while. Bubba says they leave em in there overnight. Then in the morning they take em out and they look like new. Only works on cast iron.

 

We got the new Watchdog magazine and we had our bi-weekly family study out of it. We only get one copy for the six of us so maw hand made copies so we all would have one. Our favorite article was about "trust". Bubba says that trust is kinda like eating in the dark . . . something he apparently relates to pretty well. Granny says that trust is for dummies and she has went back to sleeping with the shotgun again. LeRoy says he thinks that we should trust people who we don't trust and don't trust people we do trust cause we are never tricked by people we don't trust cause we don't give em the chance and we are only tricked by people that we do trust cause we trust em. He says it's like ol' Big Mike's Discount Auto Mart. Big Mike has to cheat his friends because his enemies don't trade there. We hadn't exactly thought of it in that light before.

 We been busy splitting timber for the new addition to the Hall. Since the Society came out with the disfellowshiping rule we all of a sudden realized that we were caught without a library. We are gonna put it on the opposite side from the outhouse so people can't look in the window and see who the elders are counseling with. None of us were especially comfortable with

announcing at meetings who was disfellowshiped the previous week so we decided to just run a small ad in the Gully News newspaper. Bubba says that we better start doing more service like the Society says cause we are kicking out more than are coming in. We all think the end is really close, what with all this sin everywhere and all.

 I gotta go fer now. It's my turn to go to town fer the keg since it's circuit servant week. Write when ya can.

 Clem,

 PS LeRoy has saved up enough to buy a motor scooter. He wants to come live with you and pioneer. Is that ok?

 

#34 Letter From Home

Special Needs Meeting

 Dear Randy,

 We have had a late spring and that is why your cropshare check is late again this year. We have mailed it with a special envelope to be sure the postage stays on this time. Maw was planning on explaining to you in person as to why it's so small and all so you should just wait till she comes to see you after harvest this fall when she goes and has her yearly facial over at yer cousin Betty Lou's beauty saloon.

 We had a special needs meeting at the Hall Thursday night and we discussed the smell on the vinyl chair cushions. It was unanimously discovered that every chair is sorta crusty and has a peculiar odor that becomes noticeable when we stand to sing after the first two hour meeting. We had sister Stout's step cousin twice removed, Iva Fanny, who's favorable to the truth,

come over and make her proposal to the elders after the meeting because she is in the vinyl repair business and pinstripes cars on the side. She says that unfavorable personal hygiene habits plus widespread favoritism of Monday washdays is a strongly suspected cause and the problem sort of has been "building up" over a period of time. That and the late arrival of the Monkey Wards catalog seems to have added fuel to the situation. Anyway, she says that she has a special vinyl deodorizer that she can dip the chair pads in and it should make the art of recrossing legs and picking up songbooks from the floor much more enjoyable.

 We had a visiting speaker from Bethel here last month and he had a very upbuilding talk and we all were encouraged after he left. He told about the blessings on the organization and how the Society was going to have to build some more printing buildings in New York and how they would be needing money and that they were wondering if we would make them a non interest loan like we did last year. The Kingdom Hall roofing fund had $17.32 in it and we decided that we would loan that to the Society. It's plain to see that these are the last days, what with all this building and all. He said Brother Rutherford said that he is pretty sure things can't go on much longer. We are all glad we didn't waste the money sending Bubba to high school.

 Well, I have to go. I hear the egg truck pulling in and I don't see Granny anywhere. She's taken to hiding from us again. Write when you can.

 Clem

 PS: LeRoy took up speed reading last week and he finished the dictionary in 2 hours. Said it was kinda boring though. 


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