Hitchhikers Guide
to Jehovah's Witness Types

Within any authoritarian organization, one can find certain strongly typical personality patterns. Due to the rather simplistic (though powerful) nature of most control systems designed for the masses, the mechanisms are not too complex. Actually, anyone raised in a family with key authoritarian figures will readily understand it. Those within the Watchtower organization may find the following stereotypes in their home congregation.

The Leader(s)

(This is the only one NOT likely to be found in the local congregation, at least not for long. This attitude is reserved for presidents only!) On a mission from God, this one has had the urge for leadership and control in his mind from an early age, but it took many years to figure out how to adopt the greater persona and ego necessary to accompany such drive. This superior ego humbles the old self, which can now be deprecated as the "old man" (without mussing the new ego). He has been humbled by God, and now very much desires the greater persona and ego that has been shown to him. His major struggle now is to learn to step aside and let "God" (via the greater persona) speak through him; a struggle that will also take a toll on his followers, as they struggle to purge any vestiges of doubt and critical thinking that remains, so that they, too, can be part of this mission from God.

The Loyal Subject

These are driven by the desire for the approval of others, and in some cases they possess the joy of giving. They love receiving orders, and the carrying out of those orders is one of their greatest joys in life. They have no desire to make their own decisions, so they gladly accept the conscience of others in the organization in exchange for their approval.

The Lazy or Dimwitted Witness

Forgetful, untrustworthy and often clueless, this one serves a dual purpose in the congregation. First, they make all the rest look more evolved on the social scale, and can thus be abused without remorse. These ironically do the bulk of the work, in terms of quantity (hours) but not quality (Duh! I placed two magazines!)

The Young Whippersnapper

Whether they were groomed for power or snort it like drugs, some young men will always "reach out for the office of [the] overseer," and when they get to his door, will painstakingly emulate all his actions until the elder(s) get so sick of seeing this twisted mime of themselves that they appoint them to eldership.

Sister Special Pioneer

She possesses the dual advantage of not being taken too seriously by the congregation (because of being a woman) and therefore is not subject to close scrutiny, while intimidating others with her knowledge as well as her style of being rather "up-front" at times. Elders rarely mess with her.

Typical Elder

Elders are either power moguls or reluctant father-images. Either type rarely crosses over, as their roles are very distinct: One creates the messes and the other cleans up. Overworked, usually spends years trying to get there at the cost of his wife and children. Jim Beam may be his best friend in the end.

Old Timer

These never quite got scared enough from the start, so never fully march to the whole program. They resemble Toto, who wants to see whatís behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. Often raised in the organization, these are usually very perceptive and wise. They know to keep mostly submerged in times of trouble, then miraculously become buoyant when politically advantageous. Like cats, they watch the show but are too smart to run it, preferring to mock it from afar. They are not afraid of Jehovah, the devil, or the Circuit Overseer, but can be controlled only through blackmail.


Yes, itís their first, middle and last name. This type thrives well in a legalistic atmosphere due to getting constant attention and reinforcing the concept of what NOT to be. The only greater joy these types treasure is the opportunity to make one of the "self-righteous" ones in the congregation look bad. That way they get to feel self-righteous for a change themselves, AND receive attention for the heresy hunt they started! This "drug" is only temporary and soon wears off, and they are paid even less attention afterwards, driving them to search for more victims.

Temporary Sojourner

A breath of fresh air coming in, at least until the JWs realize that they may not sell out everything to join. Ultimately branded as selfish and rebellious, not so much for style variation as for retaining common sense. They were "never REALLY" Witnesses.


Short-lived, quickly disposed of. Not much is known about this breed, except they are worms, leeches, spiritual fornicators, mentally diseased, insane, probably eat small children, etc.

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