I remember when I was really young, feeling strange whenever I would see a man without a shirt on. I used to get really giggly and flustered. Picking up little crush’s for some men I didn’t understand that I was gay. As the years went on I continued to have these feelings and as I got into high school they started getting stronger.

At this stage I started to realise what I was considered by society and the boy that was once bright and open and very talkative ceased to exist and I replaced it with shyness, quietness and sadness. I had also started experimenting with masturbation, to me I think it started off harmless enough, not realising at first that what I was doing wasn’t accepted by Jehovah’s people or Jehovah. Finally realising that I had a problem (A problem considered by Jehovah’s Witnesses but normal by society and for most teenagers) with masturbation I desperately tried to stop. I would feel so guilty for doing the act and for the things I was thinking during. Afterwards I would plunge into massive depression and guilt.

I felt that if I was redeemable in the slightest to Jehovah I had wrecked my chances of that by sinning so badly. I felt totally disgusting, I had no self worth. Many times I had thought out how I was going to kill myself. I would often be crumpled on my bedroom floor behind my closed door and cry my eyes out till I fell asleep. I would beg Jehovah to help me, I was so scared that he didn’t approve of me. But Jehovah never answered my prayers which made me feel worse, to me it was proof that I was disgusting in his eyes. I can’t tell you how that can make you feel, I was never, not even from birth, worthy.

Mum used to worry about me a lot, I learnt to cry when she had gone out so as not to concern her anymore than she was. She thought that I was upset because I had no friends, she didn’t realise that was a result from me withdrawing myself from people. Not even understanding myself at the time fully what would have happened had I been my real self in front of people. (Witnesses) To me telling people how I felt and that I was gay was never an option, I couldn’t have been further from the idea of reaching out for help about it. As far as I had been taught about such things, I was beyond help. I was simply waiting for Jehovah to destroy me at Armageddon.

At that stage I think I started to decide that I had nothing to lose, so I started doing my best as far as becoming a servant of Jehovah. It was difficult to say the least. Being a single parent child isn’t the easiest thing to be at the Kingdom Hall. Putting my best effort in I would regularly go out on field service after becoming an Unbaptised Publisher, I would pre-study my watchtower for the Sunday meetings and we were nearly always in attendance. I would prepare for the book study. And would answer up and take notes during meetings.

But despite doing all of this on and off up till the age of about 19 Jehovah still didn’t answer my prayers. Things were becoming tight for Mum and myself monetary wise and we didn’t get a lot of support from the brothers and sisters. Despite Mum being a regular pioneer and me reaching out for more responsibilities we felt very alone, we were never invited out with other brother and sisters. I remember many a time mum and I would cry ourselves sick holding each other asking why we were not being helped, what were we doing wrong ?

I remember there being a specific talk being given about Jehovah’s blessing not being given to those that are sinning. I remember it being said that Jehovah doesn’t even hear your prayers because of your sinful state. At that point I came to the realisation that my inner feelings for other men was the cause of our lack of blessings. I felt completely blood guilty that mum and my punishment was all because of me. After all of that effort I still felt disgusting in Jehovah’s eyes. How could I live with myself ? I was constantly fearful that Armageddon was almost here.

At this stage I dropped off from my meeting attendance, no pre-study, no prayer … nothing. Feeling as though I was already condemned by Jehovah and his people, I no longer saw the point in actually breaking my back for Jehovah, why would I serve a person that would condemn me for not having a choice in this stinking life I was given ?

So there I was, I had no friends, I had no life, I was useless to everyone. Even having come this far I was still not even thinking about coming out of the closet. I never thought I would ever be accepted for who I am. Being isolated the way I was kept me from knowing that gay people are widely accepted as part of society here in Australia. Eventually in the lead up to my ‘coming out’ I started to become very sick. I was never hungry so I never ate, I felt as if I had the worst flu. I was sick like this for I think about 9 weeks, it was continually getting worse. Mum had to make me drink meal replacement drinks just to basically keep me alive.

Doing nothing but crying and sleeping the days became darker and darker for me. I had started thinking that I might be dead soon and how that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. My mum was desperately worried about me and forced me to go to the doctor once more. The doctor finally diagnosed me with extremely aggressive depression and I was prescribed antidepressants. To me saying I was depressed didn’t seem to click with the way I was feeling. I actually physically felt sick, I felt like I was dying. Not realising that after a life time of suppression and feeling like I’m waiting for my death sentence that depression could make me feel any physical problem under the sun.

Not long after I was diagnosed with depression we were waiting at home for a visit from the elders. Mum was so desperate with how sick I was she rang one of the elders she felt closest with and as soon as he got on the phone mum broke down and pleaded with him to come and see me, she was so choked up with tears on the phone she could barely speak. To see mum like that was unbearable for me. I was laid on the couch, I couldn’t move from exhaustion. I remember that it was getting dark outside and the lights weren’t on in the lounge room. Mum sat down after getting off the phone and pleaded with me, was there anything she could do. With tears constantly welling in my eyes I told her there wasn’t. I told her that I can’t fight anymore, I feel I just need to let go. The room went silent, I could see mums face dimly lite from the street lights.

And then she said it - “Is there anything your not telling me?” My brain went straight to my being gay but I stayed silent. She pleaded with me and asked again .. more forcefully. I said to her there was something but I didn’t want to tell her. She asked me why. I said that I couldn’t say. She pleaded again. “Mum, if I told you, I’m scared you wouldn’t be able to accept me.” I managed to force out. She went very quiet for a while. The quietness was agonising, I knew that I had given her to much information already, she had to realise now that I am gay. Finally she said that no matter what it was that I was hiding she loved me and was worried that if I didn’t stop hiding ‘it’ I would get sicker. I stayed silent. Mum finally said “Are you the same as the guy in the Pet Shop Boys?” She had often heard me listening to a few PSB’s albums that I had, I guess it was my only gay expression I was able. I don’t think she wanted to say the ‘gay’ word. All I said was “Mum!” in a way that told her “Please stop!” I guess she was really determined though, she came out with it … “Are you gay?”

Having no fight left in me, physically weak, mentally extinguished and emotionally dead I managed the word yes. I felt like I was falling into the deepest endless pit of blackness and I was on the edge of passing out I began to weep for my death.

Mum assured me that she loves me and wants me to become well again. Looking back I remember saying to her after that, that she was only saying that because I was sick and I knew she couldn’t accept who I was. She denied it and I think she believed it to. About half an hour after coming out to mum the elders arrived. I must have looked a pitiable site because they seemed completely moved as soon as they saw me. They said a few encouraging things about Jehovah loving me which I knew wasn’t true. Mum asked me in front of them if I wanted to tell them what I had just told her. I said I didn’t and mum asked if she wanted her to tell them. I just started weeping again. Mum told the elders that I was gay and they told me that Jehovah loved me no matter what and that he wants me to get better. I started to bawl my eyes out. They started to pray for me and I couldn’t keep conscious any longer, I passed out.

It's so hard making that step .. my body forced me to come out .. I’d had a nervous break down. This secret had to come out. Days afterwards I still wasn’t any better, mum called the locum to come and visit me. When he arrived he doctor he spoke to me quite a bit and told me that I needed to go to hospital immediately, it almost felt like he picked me up and carried me in his arms there. I actually don’t remember how I got to hospital but I was admitted to the mental problems ward in Charles Gardener Hospital.

I started slowly getting better after that. One of the nurses on the ward was gay and came and spoke to me one night I was crying, he spoke about being gay and that he was gay, that everything would be alright. I remember hating him because I still believed that being gay was wrong and he was telling me to be open about my sexuality. It was so confronting and I fought against it with all my will. What an idiot I was. For those that haven’t been brought up from birth in a religion such as Jehovah’s Witnesses it might be very difficult to understand the way I felt. Anyways I continually got better and better, I started to gain weight again after dropping down to 49kgs. I went home from the hospital a few weeks afterwards and started my recovery at home.

So what happened after I got better ? Well hell started to break loose didn’t it ? Many Witnesses said they accepted me for who I was. But what that meant for most of them was "I will tolerate you but you have to change your thinking."

The elders came and saw me again a couple of times with a completely different attitude to the night I came out.

You see it wasn’t good enough for me to simply not talk about being gay, I actually was told that I had to work on not thinking gay. I couldn't work out how to do that, I had always been the same. One brother actually asked me “If you were to look at pornographic material of a girl would it arouse me?” Of course I said no .. and then he asked the same thing about seeing a man the same way and I said yes it would arouse me. He looked completely disgusted. This kind of thing seemed the theme of their visits.

So as far as I was concerned .. enough was enough. People who said they would help me only ended up stabbing me in the back. Soon the entire congregation knew my sexuality. So I stopped having anything to do with Jehovah’s Witnesses. After I had got better I had began to realise that life was very different than Jehovah’s Witnesses say it is. I started learning a new way of life and started healing myself. I think though I will continue to heal myself for a very long time from now. I guess me writing this is all part of the healing process.

It took me till the age of 21 to finally come out, I have found the man I love and adore and he treats me so well. I am very happy for the place I stand at this point in time. It hasn’t been easy to write this and I have been crying for most of the time I have been typing it.

There isn’t anything left to say except I wish I didn’t have to go through all of this to get where I am today.

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written by Adrian , May 11, 2009

Email me. Im in a similar situation...

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written by Adrian , May 11, 2009

\n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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written by Javi , May 23, 2009

I'm so glad that you found peace with yourself.

Maybe you have some words of wisdom for me?
My partner of 5 years had now ended his relationship with me because of his desire to regain his acceptance
Of Jehovah. He states he loves me very much but our relationship will cost him his salvation.

I am not of the same Religion Background so this is so hard for me to understand.
Is this a lost cause for me (us).
Note: he's having struggles with his decision but it seem that his new devotion to the
Jehovah Witnesses is winning.

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written by Tim , July 22, 2009

its hard, even among our friends and lovers, they try... but never can understand what it was like

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written by jake , July 27, 2009

hey same is happening but im 13 i dnt kno wat to do im attracted to a guy in the same relegion please help

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written by Todd , July 31, 2009

Please e-mail me, I'm in the same boat and it's sinking fast!!!

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written by Mark , August 06, 2009

Well, I too have gone through the same experiences listed above. I fell for a young man who was also a witness. We shared a house and put up a good front for about 9 years. One day, he said that he could no longer chance someone finding out and that he would be starting to date girls. I was crushed. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and placed on medication.
That happened 5 years ago.
Between then and now, my sister came out. She was disfellowshipped for being gay. I felt I could never tell my family that I too am gay. I decided to look up some old friends shortly after my partner left me. In doing so, I called up a friend I had known since 7th grade. Little did I know that the best friends make better partners.
We decided to go away one weekend. My father was watching the house. Through a series of events, he came across some hidden items that made it very clear that I had a relationship with my former housemate.
I have since been disfellowshipped. My family communicates with me only when necessary. Everyone I grew up with has pretty much discarded me. I have to say, however, I have made my own family with the people that support me every day. While the whole experience was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to go through, I admit, I am happier now that I ever have been.
I still struggle with the fact that I have left "the truth" behind. Being a witness is all I knew for the first 33 years of my life. I still adhere to all of the other restrictions strangely enough.
I guess what I am trying to say is, the Witnesses will NOT understand your situation. They will be kind, "accept" you, and allow you to stay as long as you don't act on your feelings. That can be an extremely loney existence.
You obviously won't be attracted to the "sisters" and you won't be allowed to forge close friendships with the "brothers" since "things could happen."
During my judicial committee meeting, I was told that I would need to change my mannerisms, the way I dressed and the way I thought. If i did those things, who would I be?
As hard as it is right now, things do get better. Stay strong, surround yourself with people who will support you in your decision to either stay a witness if that is what you want. Or find others who will help you leave. This is not something you can do alone.

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written by Joseph , September 27, 2009

I am a inactive witness. I still believe in the goodness of Jehovah and strongly believe that he will forgive me. I consider myself to be a bi-sexual male. All I want is to find true love whether with a woman or man. I believe the witness have forgotten to follow in Jesus' footstep. Wasn't he sent to earth to help those that were lost. Didn't he hang out with leapers and harlots? He wasn't spending most of his time with the ones that were on the right path, but those who needed his help and understanding. I think that if God is love and we should love everyone and not just those who think like us.

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written by Jess , September 30, 2009

Hello fellow ex-JW,

You are wonderful the way you are. I love you even though we are strangers far apart. Please trust me when I say this, I KNOW YOUR PAIN. Please know that Jehovah and Jesus still loves you. Only Satan will make you think you are dirty and unwanted. Only Satan will want your relationships with Jehovah and the people around you go to ruins. Think. Please think for once, would Jehovah want you to feel miserable? NO, he doesn't. Being Gay is OKAY. So please read more, and let me give you light and hope again. G...A...Y... G-od A-ccept Y-OU.

I am now 30 yrs old, and I have found a church in Dallas, Tx called Crossroads (www.crossroadscommunitychurch.us). Through this church, I have re-learned and found versus in the bible that states it's okay to be gay and to love Jehovah. This church has college educated theologists and Hebrew readers who will let you know the ABSOLUTE TRUTHS, and that Jesus loves all. Right now, I have happiness in my life and I feel alive and whole, because I know God loves me. I am in a committed god-centered loving relationship. My partner and I have been active in this church, we are reaching out to all the gays who have been in exiled and shunned from churches, temples, and kingdom halls they went to.

I HIGHLY suggest you to buy a DVD that talks about "The Bible and Homosexuality," by Shaw Ministries, my church is selling this. It will explain to you the truth about what the Bible REALLY says about Gays. I even encourage and challenge all conservative JW to get this DVD. Please visit the website and the choices are yours to make. TRUTH will set you FREE, lies will keep you in captivity. So PLEASE I urge you to find out the truth in the Bible.

Believe me when I say understand You... I use to be JW, and I too have prayed, and prayed for Jehovah to heal me from being GAY or turn me to another gender, instead I realized Jehovah has lead me to find my true calling in this lifetime. So please brothers and sisters don't wait. I believe we are one of the last "gentiles." In the Bible, it speaks in Revelations, the last gentile that accepts Jesus, shall be the first that Jesus will takes to heaven. I would talk more about myself but time is short. Armageddon is near.

I pray you happiness, I pray you love, peace, comfort, and most of all, God-blessed. Even though we are strangers far apart, but I love you no matter what are and you will remain in my heart. And if you are a conservative JW reading this, I will love you too. By you reading this, I know I have fulfilled one of my duties from Jehovah. I LOVE JEHOVAH. This why I am reaching out to you.

One day I hope to see you at my church and forever in paradise or with Jesus.

You have my warmest hugs,
J. Ly

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written by karl , October 03, 2009

Wow, everyone's comments have totally blown me away. Most of what was written could have been said by me. I also from birth was raised a witness, and even though I knew I found men attractive from the earliest age, I didn't realize I was gay till I was about 8. Once puberty hit and hormones were racing, I too went into a massive depression, like most of you, thinking, if I just try harder, and pray harder, and try to please Jehovah more (have faith the size of a mustard seed) somehow everything would come out just fine. Oh, how wrong I was. I never heard, even once in my life "you are beautiful just the way you are, no matter how that is". All I had pounded into my head was "think wrong thoughts and god will get you". I went as far as to get married, which was a living hell and ruined my 20's, what should be the most vibrant, fun, easy go lucky years of your life. My wife - may she rot in hell for all eternity - outed me to my mom and 'elder step dad'.......nothing I have ever experienced in the 22 years since, has been as difficult and as hard as admitting to the 'elders' and my step dad that I was gay. Needless to say everyone took on a 'don't ask don't tell' attitude, which suits me just fine. I didn't choose to be gay, no more than I chose to be right handed, it is what it is, and if God - Jehovah, has a problem with that, then it is his problem not mine, I feel he rejected me, not that I rejected him. If being gay is such a horror and a sin, why is it possible? If Jehovah is all loving and all knowing and all caring, then why torture people and put them through years - decades of mental hell- trying to get them to change thier most basic makeup - their sexuality - their sexual being? If someone had said when I was 5 - "there are lots of different types of people in the world, straight, gay, bi, follow the golden rule and we will love you and accept you with all our hearts", life would have been so different. All the witnesses want to do, is be narrow minded, and exclude everyone how doesn't goose step just like they do. The only good thing from my marriage, I have a beautiful daughter and now a grandson who is 1 year old, but christ I could have done that with artificial insemination with a dyke, for crying out loud. I think if any of the elders, had to go through what gay witnesses go through, they'd all have nervous break downs and no doubt end up gay and accepting them selves as gay in the end. I view it this way, 1) will the world be a better place, once I'm gone, (died) because I was part of humanity? if yes, then I did my job as a human, 2) I didn't choose to be gay any more than I choose to have a certain size foot, or ear, or eye color, or be left or right handed, I just am, always was, always will be, if the witnesses and god, can't accept that, then this is their problem, not mine. I love me, if Jehovah or the witnesses don't love me, oh well, too bad for them. I'm a good person, and my own best friend (if you follow what I'm saying) - I guess all I'm saying is you have to accept youself for who you are, untill you do that, life will be so hard, once you love your self (in a wholesome way) then you are free to love other people, regardless to their - religion, nationality, creed, sexual preferances, or anything else. And who is to say you can't love god, with your whole heart and still love men or women, or be gay? Come on.............you can be a good christian, or bhuddist, or muslim, or any religion or no religion and be gay and still be a good worthy person. I bet if you pray to god, no matter how whole souled and ask for an answer, "why am I gay".........you will never get an answer.............this is because the witnesses pound into your head you have to think, breath, live, act in one way and one way only to have any self worth........in my opinion, it just aint so...........I hoped this helped someone............

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written by karl , October 03, 2009

Jake, email me, lets \n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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written by karl , October 03, 2009

jake sorry, wrong email address, email me if you want to chat at \n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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written by Daniel , October 05, 2009

I'm in my last year of high school. I came out to my school and my mother in the middle of 10th grade. The elders have spoken to me and everything but for some reason they don't anymore. I know that once I leave home I will not be a Jehovahs Witness anymore. Frankly, I just dont believe in their version of a hypocritically loving God. But, the thing is that my mother knows my stance and still continues as if everythings will turn out the way she wants. She always says things like, "When you marry a good sister," and stuff like that. Is she in denial? And how can I make it clear who I am without hurting her anymore? My email is \n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I would really like it if someone could help me understand why my mother is acting like this.

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written by Richard , December 23, 2009

Hi.

I am not a Jehovah Witness but do appreciate your pain. I am from am Evangelical Christian background and even though there is a gulf between areas of our belief, the struggle is none the less real. Can I therefore recommend a novel that I have just read called “The God Box” by Alex Sanchez – it is aimed at a teenage market but older people of faith will find it helpful too as they struggle to identify with their sexuality and faith.

If you want further details please email me at \n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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written by Conde , December 28, 2009

There is so much of me in all you your stories. Wow!! I cant beleive I have found this site. I will not bore you all with my testmonies about growing up and how I no longer go to the Kindom Hall. But i will say this.....I have lived a good life, I have learned so much about who i am and what i want in life. One thing missing is a person who understands what i have gone through. You all seem to have the same things in common with me. I wish there were a way for us all to become friends and get to know each other and see what our simularites and differences may bring. I am a single african American male age 44. I live in Northern California. It was a challenge growing up in the religion....when I stopped attending years ago I felt lost.....I didnt have the friends.....yet I learned to have high standards, so I don't quite fit in the world. I'm sure you guys know what i mean? Right? I have hopes that some or one of you will write and i may find a friend to chat with and get to know. PS..And if more were meant to be? I am open to explore that as well. feel free to email me....don't laugh at my screen \n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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written by Luke , January 30, 2010

Hey Josh,

I just found this site and read your experience. All the way through reading it I was crying my eyes out because I can truly identify with what you went/are going through. I would dearly love you to email as I don't want to talk openly about my experience here, but it's so similar and I have no one to talk with at the moment. I think it would help if I could chat with you. Please email me if you can. I'm in the UK mate.

Hope to hear from you.
Luke

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written by Christopher Lawrence , January 31, 2010

I recently started speaking with a Jehovah's Witness because I'm curious about the Bible. We agreed that this would be an academic study because of my sexuality. Recently I started having dreams that my sexuality is wrong and that Jehova is going to smite me. This is strange, I came out when I was 15 and I have always accepted my sexuality... and I still do. The struggle I'm having is, why do I keep studying the Bible if it's just going to tell me I'm wrong. Is the Bible wrong? Is it truly inspired scripture? How do I know it wasn't just written by law-makers as opposed to people inspired by God? How do we know there really is a God?

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written by Karen , February 04, 2010

I consider myself as a bisexual woman and though I haven't come out to anyone apart from my "worldly" friends I have felt the need to leave the organisation due to my passion for body modifications such as tattoos and body piercings.

I got my lip pierced a few years ago but not before researching the Bible and the organisation's "Bible-based" publications. As a university student of law and social anthropology; and having studied Sociology, Psychology and English Literature during 6th form; I have become aware of the way in which people filter new information, namely that they use their cultural prejudices to inform their judgements. Therefore, when I approached the Bible and the organisation's publications for advice on whether Jehovah would approve of my getting my lip pierced, I came to the conclusion that he did not, so I went ahead with it, even though I knew that it would stumble some people. But you shouldn't judge your brother for eating meat just because you don't eat meat, right? How wrong I was.

I got my lip pierced and all hell broke loose. My father is an elder so after every meeting, there would be a lengthy elders' meeting discussing me. On two occasions, two elders came to my house to discuss this matter with me, but they could find no Biblical sanction on my jewellery. Neither could the circuit overseer when he visited and writing to Bethel didn't help their case. They could only tell me to obey my parents and avoid stumbling my fellow brothers and sisters.

I finally took it out after all the pressure made me suicidal and led me to flee to relatives living in another part of the country. My uncle is also an elder and he made sure he knew that he was on my side, but in order to promote peace in the congregation, we must obey the instructions of the faithful and discreet slave even if we disagree with it, because they too are progressively receiving the light. I obeyed, but I couldn't help yearning for a beautiful tattoo or piercing; for me, this is as part of who I am as my sexuality is and isn't a just a "lifestyle choice" or "preference".

The pressure finally got too much so I left home, and stopped associating with Jehovah's Witnesses. Being inactive, people in my old congregation still try to reach out to me but I can't go back. If they knew who I really was, the love they profess to have for me will quickly evaporate.

This is one of the hardest things I've had to go through. I've lost my friends (even though they don't know that they are lost to me); I've lost my God, because of the believe that has been instilled into me that the only access to Jehovah is through the Watchtower and Bible Tract Society. In order to take my mind off my problems, I've taken to drowning my sorrows with alcohol and engaging in sins that are far greater than what led me to leave the organisation in the first place. I suffer from clinical depression and can't find the mental energy to study for my degree and so my dreams and hopes for the future have been shattered. I'm a ghost of my former self and I don't know what to do.

I thought I'd just tell my story.

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written by Scott Terry , February 21, 2010

I love this story, and the subsequent comments. It's interesting that JW's aren't the only religious experience that gives gay kids such a hard time....and none of it makes sense. And it's interesting how some religious people can take that mentality and apply it to things like body piercing....go figure. Life doesn't have to be so complicated, and it seems to me that the purpose of religion should not be to complicate lives and/or denigrate its followers. I hope Josh posts an eventual follow up to this story, just so we know how he's doing. And for that matter, I hope the other people who wrote with such pain are doing better as well.

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written by Bill , February 26, 2010

I was in a similar situation as Josh, in fact,as many of you. I felt my heart tugging as I read all your comments. I have over the past few years found some peace and peace of mind. I hope you have or will, too.

It tears me up inside seeing others fighting with themselves, their families and their faith because they don't know who, if anyone, loves them. Even themselves. I've also found that the Bible isn't as concrete about homosexuality as some say it is. In fact, Jesus, the head of the Christian congregation, never once brought the topic up. Perhaps it wasn't an issue with him. Hmmm.

Anyway, hit me up if you want to chat. I've only found one other person who is gay who has left the organization. Sometimes I feel alone, or in the very least, that no one quite understands what I have gone through. Even other gay people. But it would be nice to meet others.

I'm at \n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (Don't let the email address fool you; it's easy to remember after years of indoctrination. lol.)

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written by Aaron M Peck , March 07, 2010

Hi Josh,

I'm extremely moved by your experience. I was also born and raised as a Jehovah Witness. The depth of the back stabbing of the society is always surprising to me. My self I didn't realize I was gay until later in life. When I started to masturbate as a Teen I felt bad but not as horrible as yourself. That was mainly because even though we went to all the meetings and went out in service we weren't as active in the organization. When I was growing up my parents had stopped pioneering and trying to give talks and so forth. If I grew up when my brother was born, which was 9 years before me it might have been more similar. When I started knowing I liked guys I felt ashamed and that Jehovah hated me. I felt like a drug addict, that I would hide all my gay porn more so then straight porn. I specifically had the gay porn in a multi-step area which took me at least 10 mins to access haha, it seems so strange now. Also I should point out I'm 29 now and only came out to my parents last summer. I denied my male attraction and said it was just a phase but of course it didn't. In my early 20's a finally moved out and dated a girl. I didn't date much because I liked guys, so my relationships lasted a long time. But also in my early 20's my association with the Witnesses trailed off as well. Since I was never baptized the elders didn't care too awfully much. And by this time my parents were inactive and my dad due to another reason was disfellowshipped. So when I finally came out my parents were really supportive and at ease with it.

My heart really goes out to current homosexual children of Jehovah Witnesses. They have been classified as a "Cult" by many psychiatry professionals and organizations. So the effects can be amplified in our cases.

Strange enough my Kingdom Hall doesn't know that I am gay. With me coming out I choose to no longer associate with them. I believe everyone can have their own opinion about being gay and trying to still be a part of the organization. I try not to air my dirty laundry about them unless asked. But if you are gay and trying to be a part I wish you all the best luck. If anyone wishes to contact me either for support or what not \n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it also I'm in the Central Florida area.

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written by Steve Cannon-English , March 09, 2010

All of your stories remind me so much of my own. I am 52 now and most of my family hasn't spoken to me since I was 22. That's 30 years.

In those years, I got a masters in biblical studies, became an Anglican priest, married the man of my dreams (we've been together 27 years now) and have come to the conclusion that God does love me just the way I am. In her book "Mind of the Maker", Dorothy Sayers says "It is impossible for God to make something that God cannot love". God made me. I am made in God's image. I am gay. God loves me just the way I am made.

I am sending prayers out for everyone here that God can reach them where they are and that God will let each of you know just how perfect and loved you are. You are important to God and your stories can help so many others, just as you have helped me today. It's awfully lonely for all of us. I felt like I was the only ex-JW who had ever gone through this and now I know I am not alone and neither are you.

Grace & Peace my friends.

Steve

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written by Jane , March 10, 2010

I found your story very touching.

I just wanted to say that you being gay is not much different than if you were straight in God’s eyes because we are ALL imperfect and fall short of the glory of God. God does not hate people for what they are, because they cannot help that, but he does hate wrong actions. Notice that 1 Cor. 6:9-11 does NOT say: What! Do you not know that unrighteous persons will not inherit God’s kingdom? Do not be misled. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men kept for unnatural purposes, and 'ESPECIALLY' men who lie with men……..

A man who has sex with another man is classed the same as a straight person having sex outside marriage. And not only that, but is classed the same as a thief, greedy person, a drunkard, reviler, idolater and extortioner.

The verse goes on to say: “And yet that is what some of you were. But you have been washed clean, but you have been sanctified, but you have been declared righteous in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and with the spirit of our God”.

What does that mean? Well, those who were thieves stopped stealing, those who were drunkards stopped drinking……and so on. Do you get the point?

In practice and put simply for you this would mean you became celibate. Pretty much what many straight people that want to please God are doing because they cannot find a mate.

That is the issue at stake. Not your homosexuality as such.

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written by sacsmt2 , March 10, 2010

Wow again....what great comments to this story. I wonder if Josh has any idea what his story has stirred up? I love the stark contrast between Jane and Steve's positions. How amazing it is that two people can have such a strong belief in God and be polar opposites in reaching their conclusions. And for Jane...I respect your opinion and I admire your ability to explain your thought process without being hostile, but I think you are missing the point in your analysis. It's clear that you want to compare celibate heterosexuals who cannot find a mate to homosexuals who, under your analogy, must also remain celibate, but the concept that you are missing is that most human beings, homosexuals and heterosexuals alike, share a common desire to find a mate. Sexuality is not all about sex. It's about love. It's about having a dream that you might someday find a partner in life, and what you fail to mention in your comparison is that those celibate heterosexuals still have the ability to dream. They have the freedom, under your philosophy, to date and attempt to find someone to love, as long as they don't consumate that love without a marriage certificate. But the homosexuals in your analogy are not given that same ability. It is not an equal comparison, as much as you might like to make it so. You would never concede to allowing homosexuals to search for the love of their lives. Under your scenario, those homosexuals are doomed to spend their lives alone. They can't even dream about it, under your philosophy, and it's unrealistic, unfair, and unkind to expect a human being to resign themselves to such a barren existence. I think it is wonderful that Steve has found someone to love and still maintains his belief in God....perhaps God smiles when he looks down at them. Perhaps God isn't as rigid and unforgiving as some people wish him to be. He has been much more flexible over the centuries than people sometimes wish. He has changed his stance on slavery. On plural marriages. We like to think, in civilized society, that He has also changed his position on the requirement that we must kill all women who are not virgins when they marry. Perhaps He has modified his stance on this homosexual issue as well??? I would suggest that a loving God would do so.

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written by Kitty , March 11, 2010

I am a straight current JW. I have always been ashamed of this organizations stand on homosexuality. I have never felt it is right to tell anyone else who they can love.

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written by Jane , March 11, 2010

sacsmt2

I agree with you that comparing a straight celibate with a homosexual celibate is not quite equal. After I wrote my post I was thinking about those things even before you wrote them. I appreciate the civil way in which you have addressed the issue as many people get very aggressive and unreasonable on these type of sites(ex-JW versus JW type of thing). I just cannot get past the scriptures which so clearly say that practicing homosexuality is bad in God's eyes. I know what you are saying, that a lot of things have changed. And also I accept that every human being has the right to be with a mate. But God definitely did create the opposite sex to be together and not same sex(sexual and/or romantic) relationships. I is obvious because a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina.

Thinking about the bigger picture, it is imperfection that makes people want to be with the same sex, as God definitely did not create them with that desire in the first place. In saying this, I do not want to demean homosexuals and say they are imperfect and other people are not because obviously that is not true. It is just another type of imperfection that we inherited from Adam. Every person is warped in some way and falls short of how they were supposed to be in the beginning.

I know it's easy for me to say, I am happily married, I have a mate who loves me and who I love. I just wish that there was some way JWs with homosexual feelings were able to just wait until the new system....and then their feelings would be put right, because everyone's imperfection, whatever it might be, will be put right.....

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written by dale slazenger , March 12, 2010

Sista jane, i must say, u the best. It is so tru dat evryone is warped one way or the other. I also look forward to a time wen all our imperfections will be made perfectly rite.

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written by brook , March 12, 2010

@OP: I'm not gay but I feel your pain with not being accepted because you do not follow the JW path. I have accepted that I will live one life- this one. I will not be resurrected in the new system and may be destroyed if Armageddon comes in my life time. I figure if I am destroyed my pain can't be any worse than a person who suffers to death such a victim of war or someone with a painful disease. And if I don't get resurrected, well i won't know any different because I'm DEAD. Since this is my fate, have chosen to live my life to the fullest. I'm no hedonist but if I have one life to live then dang it, I'm gonna get the most out of it.

I'm just coming to terms with how I was raised because it's not obvious like being physically or sexually abused. The mental agitation, for lack of a better word, is much more subtle. My mother was a JW. I went to live with my father at 13 and we haven't spoken since. I'm 27. I know she will never have anything to do with me unless I come back to the truth and I have learned to accept it. Thanks for sharing your story. *hugs*

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